Painting Hogwarts Brown
by Kream45
Summary: Draco Malfoy pays Hermione to teach him some cool offensive spells. What she teaches him though, is far beyond his expectations.


**/I dedicate this story to my left asscheek./**

Draco was humiliated by Harry Potter again. He lost the duel and everyone laughed at him.

He was just shitting by the Gryffindor's dorm, when Hermione approached him.

"Umm, what the fuck?" she winced, "Draco, why are you shitting here?"

"That is because I really had to shit, and since I really hate Gryffindor, I've decided to crap right here, at the entrance to your dorm."

"I'm afraid I'm gonna have to call a teacher."

"Wait! Don't! I will pay you ONE FUCKING BILLION AMERICAN DOLLARS!"Draco said.

"Hmm…" Hermione checked her wallet. It was empty, because she was poor as fuck, because she spent all her money to buy weed and whipped cream, "Alright, I won't call anybody."

"Whew!" Draco swept the sweat off his forehead and magically transferred one fucking billion dollars onto Hermione's bank account, "And how about I pay you another TEN DOLLARS, if you teach me some sick-ass offensive spells?"

"HOLY SHIT!" Hermione exclaimed, "TEN DOLLARS?! And all I have to do is to teach you some combat spells?!"

"Yup."

"I'm down, nigga. Let's go to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom."

And so they did.

"Alright, here we can practice safely." Hermione said and took out her wand.

"Wait a second, where's Myrtle?" Draco asked and looked around.

"I exorcised her a few months ago and now she's in heaven."

"Whoa, did you get any permission for that? Did she at least ask you to do so?"

"Draco, listen." Hermione bitchslapped him, "Rules are for pussies. Real OG niggas like me don't need that shit."

"But… you're not even black." Draco mumbled.

"Who cares? Aight listen, this spell will blow your fucking mind." Hermione wiggle-waggled her wand in the air and a ball of shit shot out of it and splashed on the wall.

"Umm, was that a ball of shit coming out of your wand just now?" Draco asked.

"Yes, this is shit magic. I'm gonna teach you the basics today, and we'll slowly get you into the advanced level of shit magic."

"But… this is so stupid." Draco questioned her, "Why can't you teach me some shit like a fireball, or some explosions, or some spell to summon an army of zombies?"

"That's because shit is superior to any of that." Hermione stated, "Soon, you will see that shit can beat anything, and anyone. Even that old, dumb fuck Dumblecunt."

"I would never have thought you're this kind of person."

"I see thinking is not your strong point."

"…"

"Come on, let's get this BITCH started."

And so they trained for a few weeks. At first, Draco could barely even cast a basic shitball spell, but he quickly got the hang of it. By the end of their training, he could cast a massive, 2 meter-wide shitball, and summon a rain of shit, and those two are the top-tier shit spells. They had to change their training locations a few times, because the better Draco has become, the bigger shits he casted.

After just a few days, the Moaning Myrtle's bathroom was filled with shit up to the ceiling. They trained in the dungeons too, then in the Chamber of Secrets, and then finally in the Forbidden Forest.

"Alright Draco, before I teach you the ULTIMATE shit spell, I must tell you the rumors that are spreading around." Hermione said.

"What's that?" Draco asked while scratching his anus with his wand.

"They say that Hogwarts has become a lot more stinky lately. Numerous balls of shit were found in the corridors, bathrooms, and then they discovered that the entire Moaning Myrtle's Bathroom was filled with shit, and the Chamber of Secrets was also filled with shit so much that you wouldn't even be able to recognize it."

"Yes, I'm… aware. We've done all that."

"Did you just assume my gender?" Hermione asked.

"What? No, I'm just saying that all you've just said is our doing." Draco explained.

"Ooohh." Hermione realized, "Sorry, I had so much on my mind lately that I've forgotten about all of it."

"What could have possibly been so serious to make you forget all of those things?"

"I've recently started watching Naruto, it's fucking great. I can't think of anything else but this anime."

"Are you fucking serious right now?"

"Alright WHATEVER, the last one hundred and seventy words were pointless." Hermione said and took out her wand, "Now, to the ultimate spell… this is something you can cast ONLY in dire need."

And then, Hermione put her wand up, pointing the sky, and a giant fucking geyser of SHIT shot out of it. The entire Forbidden Forest was covered in shit in no time.

"WOW!" Draco exclaimed, "That was fan-fucking-tastic! But you've just covered the entire forest in shit, despite saying earlier that this spell should only be used in dire need."

"I had a dire need to cover the entire forest in shit, happy?"

"._."

"So, you should try using it, too. But not here. We should go back to school and declare war against everyone."

"Isn't this going a bit too far? As far I can remember, I only asked you to teach me some cool spells…"

"Listen, I've finally got myself a potent disciple, we CANNOT let this chance slip away!" Hermione said desperately, "I'm fucking sick of this school, and that fucking piece of shit Dumblefuck."

"Why are you so mad at Dumbledore?" Draco asked.

"That's because he thinks he's the best wizard, but he's not. I AM THE BEST!"

"Well, I can help you overtake the school I guess, but how do I actually cast this ultimate spell?"

"You need to put your wand up, think loudly in your head 'ALLELALEAEALELALELLALELAE', and then the shit starts SPRAYING out."

"Ok cool, let's do this shit."

And then they RAMPAGED inside the school, started shooting shit at the students, killing them instantly. Some were trying to defend themselves, but Draco and Hermione were much too strong.

They killed everyone and covered everything in shit.

"Hey Ron, isn't that Hermione and Draco?" Harry asked.

"Yeah, I think that's them." Ron replied, "Hey, Hermione! What's up?"

And then they got hit by a giant ball of shit and they suffocated under a ton of shit.

Draco and Hermione killed every teacher and then, they entered Dumbledore's office.

"So, you've finally made your move, Hermione." Dumbledore said, slowly, "But your days of havoc and shitting end here."

"Not so fast, you old BITCH!" Hermione shouted, "I now have ANOTHER shit magic user with me!"

Dumbledore bent forward in his chair.

"… Draco Malfoy?" Dumbledore murmured, "But… why?"

"Idk lol."

"Alright you little shits, I have to destroy you here and now."

And then Dumbledore summoned an entire army of demons.

"HOLY SHIT!" Hermione screamed, "DRACO! Use your ultimate!"

"You too, damn it!"

"But… but… my fingernail broke c: "

"WELL FUCK!" and then Draco shot the shit geyser at the demons, and they DIED. HORRENDOUSLY.

"Well, this was my best spell." Dumbledore folded his arms, "I admit my defeat. What are you going to do?"

"YES!" Hermione got excited, "I want you to go and MAKE ME A SANDWICH, HAHAHAHAAHAHAAAFNASDJKLFNALFHNASKLFNAOIFHNS!"

"BITCH YOU'RE DUMB!" Dumblecunt shouted and threw Draco and Hermione off their balance with a shockwave spell, "That WASN'T my best spell! I will now summon a comet, that will destroy you into tiny, bloody pieces!"

And then Hermione took out a gun and put a bullet in his head.

"Wow, you could've done that years ago." Draco said, "Why waste time on learning shit magic to defeat Dumbledore, if guns are the most efficient way to kill a person?"

"THAT'S a good question." Hermione said, just before she shot herself, and then Draco raped her carcass.

 **THE END**

 **/This story is the perfect example of a story that should not exist, and I am the perfect example of a writer who should never write again./**


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